To bikini, or not to bikini? I'll answer your question...

06/24/2013 10:32


It’s BIKINI SEASON, ladies!  And you know what that means…it’s time to buy a one-piece.  I went to the beach at Hilton Head, South Carolina a few weeks ago, and was truly appalled at what I saw.  I know, I know, as women we should fight back against the media’s skewed image of how women are “supposed” to look, and we should celebrate our curves and all that crap, but seriously.  Girls, we need to make a concerted effort to look in the mirror before going out in public. 

Swimsuits are no different than clothes—all styles do not look becoming on all figures.  That’s why there are a million different brands, cuts, and designs from which to choose.  Just pick something that fits and covers up the jiggly parts—that’s all I’m asking here!  I’m not saying that if you don’t look like Megan Fox that you should just put on a muumuu and be done with it.  Please, if that were the case, I’d never have been allowed to set foot in a swimwear store.  I’m just saying that we as women need to take one simple oath.  Say it with me:


“Just because a bikini comes in my size

does not mean that I should buy it or wear it.”


There.  I said it.  And I’m going to say this, too:  if I can’t bounce a dime off of your abs, I don’t want to see them. 

Let this be your should-I-buy-that-bikini guide.  If you can answer “yes” to any of the following criteria, do us all a solid and put the suit back on the rack and walk away.

  • My belly hangs over the waistband.
  • More of my cleavage is showing than is covered by fabric.
  • My cleavage is nearer to my waist than to my shoulders.
  • I am 50 years old.
  • My butt is showing.
  • I am pregnant.

This simple list should help you from becoming an eyesore at your local swimming hole.  You’re welcome.

Oh, and one more thing, don’t jog down the beach in a bandeau bikini without a neckstrap, ever.  Thanks to an older lady who crossed my line of vision on vacation, I can't un-see that.